Things I Do Not Heart

This is the evil counterpart to Friday's list. I mean, Y'all knew it was coming right?
  • LIARS - This will forever be at the top of my DNH list. Liars are the worst. They eventually get cut. Oh and JSYK I'm the fucking lie detector! If you are lying to me, you can bet that I already know what it is. And if you're lying to me and I haven't dropped your ass yet, it's probably because I'm fucking toying with you!
  • Biters - Ugghh where do I even start?! Seriously, who ever said that imitation is the fondest form of flattery was definitely a fucking biter! Get on your own shit bitches! Be you, don't be me.
  • Snakes - Not the animal per say, but one who possesses snake like qualities. You know; low, sneaky, slimy. Snakes usually can be identified by the facade they put on. Playing the "good good" when really they're only out for themselves. Fuck a snake, snakes get skinned and eaten like in La Bamba!
  • Wind - I have yet to see anything good about the wind. Now, I can handle a breeze, but me and wind we can't be friends.
  • The radio - Honestly unless my CD player, iPod, and iPhone are all broken; I don't turn on the radio really. I think it's wack. Only good thing on the radio is Sunday night slow jams. Even then, I could do without all the commercials for super shampoo and stretch mark cream.
  • Meetings - I fucking HATE meetings. Especially meetings that last more than 30 minutes. I have ADD and I cannot fucking handle that shit. If you have some shit to talk about, put it in a fucking email and call it good. It is not necessary to sit around a fucking table to discuss shit!
  • Grabbers - You know those dudes, who for some reason think it's ok to grab you to get your fucking attention. NOT OK. Not by the hand, wrist, waist, nada. Don't fucking put your mitts on me unless I give you permission. I've killed for less. You grimey fucks know who you are!
  • "Models"  - You all know these local bitches who are telling everyone that they're professional models. Ok unless modeling is your primary source of income, you are not a fucking model. When you hit the pages of something other than Westword or 303 then we'll re-evaluate your status. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knockin your hustle. I'd love to see a dope ass local bitch hit it big! Do your thang, but don't twist that shit.  A few of my besties do some modeling, but they don't run around telling everyone they're fucking professional models cause they took some pictures and walked a runway or two.
  • Dropped Calls - Really, does anyone like that shit? Unless you're on a call that you really don't wanna be on, a dropped call is fucking infuriating! I have to admit, I've been on a call where I've hung up on the person and pretended my phone lost service. haha now I got you thinkin if I've ever done that to you huh? Just tell me shit I like to hear and I guarantee it won't happen to you.
  • Call Me Text - While we're on the cell phone subject... You know those people who fucking text you, and all it says is "call me" why the motherfuck do you do that? I hate that shit! Just fucking call me if you wanna talk to me! It makes no fucking sense! Why the shit do I have to call you, when your phone is obviously in working order. Gawwww!
  • Children - Yeah, you read it correct. I'm not really a fan of children under the age of 13. There are a handful of exceptions. But mostly children cry, stink, whine, and move around a bunch. I do not like this. In all honesty; I blame the parents. Keep your offspring under control. Children are not exempt from getting punched and/or tripped. Just sayin.
  • Crowds - Oh man! I hate me a fuckin crowd. I am the most claustrophobic bitch evs! I can't stand when a bunch of fucking people are super close to me. Breathing all my air up and shit! It doesn't help that I'm fucking 5 foot nothing either! Most times if I'm in a crowd I'm not even big enough to see the reason we've crowded in first fucking place!
  • Crying - Call me insensitive, but crying is just a waste of time if you ask me. Not to say that I've never cried or won't in the future. It does however take something catastrpohic to make me cry. I've been branded a complete heartless bitch by some, because of my lack of tears. Now just because my face isn't leaking does not mean that I'm not upset or happy or mad or whatever else makes you cry. I mean I have fucking feelings... sheesh. In all honesty I'm more likely to cry when I haven't spent an hour carefully applying liner and lashes. So catch me first thing in the morning or before bed.
  • Puking - FuckinA, puking is the worst! Doesn't matter if it's a drunk puke or just a sick puke. There is nothing good about liquefied food and stomach acid coming out your mouth and nose! Puking smells awful, gives me a headache, and makes my eyes water! I have never believed the "You'll feel better once you puke" story! Unless I've accidentally ingested fuckin draino or someone finally gotten the courage to poison me (not likely) I will never willingly puke! On a side note: Bulimia was the fucking worst diet ever! The bitch that came up with that idea was on some whole other shit. And she obviously didn't spend as much time on her makeup as I do on a daily basis. Reapplying of lipgloss and lashes several times a day is a fucking nuisance! Just sayin.

1 comment:

Aimee said...

1. Yes on the models.
2. Kids are gross, I agree, except I think it is necessary to clarify that my Mini is a bad ass cherry pie.