Don't feed the whores

A list, because it's been too long. Oh and cos no one does it like I does. Fuck off, I'm busy. You don’t know my life.

• I'm so fucking glad those black Friday Target commercials are over. That bitch is just straight up frightening to me. Her whole face just isn't right. Oh and that one where the lady is jamming a ham into a turkey. Motherfuck that one was disturbing! So disturbing we rewound it and watched it like 5 times.

• I do however love that one where the bitches are like “She’s a Black Friday legend. She even named her baby Black Friday” That one is funny! It always reminds me my friend Ebony, she’s totally a Black Friday legend! Although she named her most recent crew member Aubrey, we all know that Aubrey is just Spanish for “Black Friday”.

• Social networking just isn’t what it used to be man. It's either overkill joy and happiness like "OMG I love my life, I shit ponies and rainbows, blah blah" or overkill hate and anger like "You can't trust anyone, even my mom is out to get me, we're all doomed blah blah" oh and of course you have the cock rings on some "Me and my friends are the dopest ever, everyone else is lame, we all jerk each other off blah blah" I rarely log in anymore cos it's pretty much retarded.

• I had my first white Thanksgiving this year. I don’t know what I was expecting, but white Thanksgivings are pretty much just like Mexi Thanksgivings minus the green chile and tamales of course. I foresee many many more white Thanksgivings in my future :)

• I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies to take to the white Thanksgiving. No one died, so I’d consider that a win.

• MaDukes and Papa Bear officially hate my red hair. Papa says red is for clowns. They’re old school tho. But I'm kinda over it myself, so back to black it is, oh and few extensions couldn’t hurt either. I mean mostly cos it’s hard to whip ma hair back & forth when it’s so short. Duh.

• I'm stoked that Beavis & Butthead are back in rotation! Is it just me, or are they funnier than before? I'm glad my son gets to experience the hilarity too! Even tho most parents would never let their kids watch that shit, I'm not like most parents. Oh not to mention Butt Head may or may not be a complete clone of someone I know *cough*CHIEFA*cough*. Bwaahahaha. No fucking lie bro.

• I will hold my pee forever! I feel like stopping what I'm doing to go potty is such a fucking burden! In fact I have to pee right fucking now as I type this. I wish I could hire someone to go to the bathroom for me. Oh and it does not help that I get locked in the bathroom stalls 32% of the time. I'm gonna be that old lady that just straight up pisses everywhere and doesn’t give a fuck.

• Words with friends is straight up bullshit. They’re tryna convince me that June isn’t a word but Qi is? Get the fuck outta here! What dick for brains is in charge over there? I have never used the word Qi in any sentence in my entire life! I only use this word when I’m losing at words and have no other moves. Pshhh

• Oh also, I'm certain that most of the people I play words with are cheating! These motherfuckers play some words that I’ve never even seen or heard before ever! And mostly I know this cos I'm a genius so I pretty much know every single word ever. Yeah.

• I think it was last year when I revealed to my son that Santa was a sham. We were playing truth or dare and he asked so I told him. Fuck it saves me money.

• Minion asked for a Swiss army knife for Christmas, so being the responsible co-parent that I am, I asked his father. His father said no. Yeah, same father that bought him a Beretta air soft gun for his birthday…. Without consulting me. Still tryna figure out how that’s fair.

• I like surprises. Bring it.

1 comment:

kuruk said...

you should let me draw out some comics to these. Hilarious stuff.